Reply to ex and/or mediator
Posted By: Daniela on 16/08/2023 at 15:51
Dear mediator,
I have read ex’s email.
I am going to take some time to think and consider all my options before I make a decision. In the meantime I am going to explore some financial options as well and get advise. All this will take some time. I think it’s better to say: we’ll come back to you when we’re both ready and in the meantime I am happy to continue with what we’ve discussed and agreed in mediation so far.
I would also like to remind ex the importance of shielding our child from adult conversations, as it’s not emotionally healthy for our child and I know we both want the best for him.
Message to ex: (maybe a direct email to him)
I know you are a good man and I know you want the best for Benjamin as much as I do and because of that, arguing in front of our son and bringing him in the middle of our adult dispute is very damaging for his emotional and mental wellbeing. And I know you know that.
It is important that you and I are able to work on a healthy pattern of communication.
From what I understand, you want child’s passport to be shared between us, 6 months each, however, I want to be open and honest with you. At this moment in time I am unable to trust you with this or your intentions behind this, because of the way things have broken down between us, especially the serious events that breached my privacy, confidentiality and trust.
I would like us to try our best to start building trust by following strictly the commitments we made so far in mediation.
I want to let you know that our son was very upset and felt let down when you didn’t keep up your commitment to pick him up at 9:30am on Sunday 6/8/23 to start his holiday with you, and more so the commitment to protect him from adult conversations, when he heard you talking about the passport and the way you spoke to me on the phone and later on in person, that day. I found this very distressing for me too.
We are both equally important in child’s life and he loves us both, and when he sees us trying to blame one another, that’s not healthy for him.
It would be really helpful if we would be able to be really mature in the way we’re handling this, for the sake of our child by not discussing any matters relating to our financial arrangements or our co-parenting plan – including talking about the passport in front of our child or in the earshot of him being around.
I’m asking you to start thinking about how this will work moving forwards so we remove the conflict in our communications, because it’s important for our child to see his parents working together to support each other with co-parenting.
I feel we both need time to reflect on the best way forward.
Thank you
I think both are good. My only comment is re. The message direct to your ex - how do you know if he’s read it? Do you have email that is set up to confirm if it’s been opened? Why don’t you send that through the Mediator because that is the established form of communication, and you know that he’ll go and see it? It’s important you know if he’s read it or not. Also make sure you ALSO send the message via the parenting app messages and suggest a/ what YOU think should be the way going forwards re communication - which I think you do really well, but then you make it confusing by asking him to consider and think about it as if you’re expecting him to come back with something. I think you should just reiterate as you’ve done how things should be, and not imply that you want him to think of some kind of answer and come back to you. It’s a bit vague. You could also say in the email from the mediator + parenting app, that any further correspondence on this will be taking place in the app, and not on email. As I keep saying, it’s a really good idea to keep most of the communications in one place and you also want him to be using the app anyway. Hope that helps.
Suzy Miller
@Suzy: What do you think of this?
Daniela