Info to ex about me moving out
Posted By: Daniela on 02/02/2023 at 09:38
Hi Suzy. This is the email I sent to my ex. What do you think? Anything to add? Thank you
“As I noted your response to my solicitor on 24/1/23 and as you didn’t express any intention on moving out, I felt therefore forced to look elsewhere to move as we are now divorced.
Since then I have been actively searching for a suitable accommodation.
I want to let you know that I have just been accepted on a 2 bedroom flat nearby, 10 minutes drive. I have just given the Notice to vacate, for 1 month, end date of 28th Feb 2023, when this flat needs to be vacated.
In the meantime, I have spoken to a mediator and she will contact you too and I would like us to have this opportunity to discuss all the outstanding issues and hope to resolve all matters amicably. (“A mediator acts as an objective third party who can help you discuss any differences in a constructive way. They will listen to what you have to say, make suggestions and allow you both to out your points across. The tools that you learn in mediation will help you move forward and work together to create a stable and secure life for your child.”).
Co-parenting schedule as per Weparent. Once we live separate and you know what your living arrangements are and your work schedule, we can discuss any adjustments to the co-parenting schedule as necessary.
I just want you to also know that I would like to slowly prepare our son for the move (maybe in about 2 weeks). I will borrow some books from the library that talk about this kind of situations and I would like to explain to him, without giving any details about the reasons why we are not together anymore, that mummy and daddy will soon live separate as we are not married anymore but all he needs to know is that we are still his parents and we both love him very much, that we will both do our best to make him happy and we are always here to listen and support him if he wants to talk about anything. I will explain to him that I found a new place and he can have toys there and toys at daddy’s new place, that he will spend time with mommy and time with daddy, and he can see it all on the calendar. School will stay the same.
If he is asking WHY are we not married anymore? I will say that the reasons are between mommy and daddy, and that all he needs to know is that we will always be his parents, that it’s nothing to do with him, that we both love him very very much, and that he will spend time with mommy in mommy’s home and time with daddy in daddy’s home. He will have 2 happy homes and he will be able to do lots of nice things with daddy at daddy’s place and lots of nice things at mommy’s place, go on holidays with each of us etc. I would then ask him what things would he like to do etc… I will try to make it interesting and that he will be able to invite his friends and play etc….
I know he will be sad or angry and ask questions, I will explain that it’s ok to be sad, when sad things happen. I will empathise and just repeat the things above that we both love him etc….I know it will take him some time to adjust.
The thing I found really helpful in this situation is the info I found here:
https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/how-tell-kids-youre-getting-divorce
And this attached .pdf booklet – “Effective parenting through divorce and separation”(I will leave a paper copy for you for easy read, and when you finish you can give it back to me) is great and explains a lot about the emotions children go through and how they experience it at different age groups. I am sending this also to you, so you are aware of what I will be saying and I would really appreciate if you would say similar things, so Benjamin does not get confused and caught in the middle of any of our dispute.
It is not healthy for him to see or hear us blaming each other. This is about being able to move forward in a way that best supports our son. I want us to promise not say anything bad about each other or anything that will make him think bad about any of us in front of him or around him. I want him to see that we are focused on supporting him and showing him that despite us living separate we can still co-parent in a respectful way. I am sure we can each make him feel happy and loved and make nice memories in our separate homes. Thank you for your support with this.”
Great idea to have your parents over. They can give your son lots of positive attention whilst he adjust to the new situation.
Suzy Miller
Also, i was thinking to bring my parents over for few weeks, from EU, to help me out to settle in the new place and with childcare in case ex cannot find a place to have him overnight when i work. What do you think?
Daniela
This "I want to add in another note to him and say: also i have let the school know about the content of this email just so they know how we are supporting our son through this, so they will be able to support him too if any issues come up at school." I only want to talk to the school about what i said to ex. But i also want to let him know (in another email) that i have explained to the school the above so he knows. Would that be ok?
Daniela
I think it’s good to give a copy to the school but you don’t need to add anything to your email. It’s enough as it is. Yes - give him printed copy. Yes put it in WeParent (as a record). Does that show if he’s read it? If so, great. If not - post it with proof he received it.
Suzy Miller
Thank you so much Suzy for your words.... you made me tear up.... ?? 1. Do you think it will be ok to just print it and hand it to him together with the printed copy of the booklet about Parenting after divorce that i told him? Or what i could do, is copy /paste the email into Weparent messages and then i can see when he reads it. What do you think? 2. I want to add in another note to him and say: also i have let the school know about the content of this email just so they know how we are supporting our son through this, so they will be able to support him too if any issues come up at school. What do you think? Is the wording ok? Thank you
Daniela
I think that’s a beautiful letter. To be safe, I would also send him a posted version (recorded delivery) as well as an email, to ensure that he definitely received it. But send the email version asap. Just have the written version as proof of this communication in case you need to validate it later in if he gets adversarial. However, he should do - as the tone of your email is excellent.
Suzy Miller