Posted By: Daniela on 28/03/2023 at 16:17
I just realised that what ex did to me by going through my personal HD and taking all my private pictures is classed as ” revenge porn”. He did threaten me with the info ( he showed it to his mum too from what i realised) and told me he will jeopardise the other person’s job. (The info dates prior to me meeting ex , so it has nothing to do with him. He is using it to get revenge on me and telling my friends that i cheated on him that’s why i got divorced)
What do you think i should do about this? The police is on hold waiting for my email with the evidence , but they don’t know that the info ex took was so private. He may well go to prison…. shall i report him or not? We are still in mediation.
Re your text (better to communicate in here) what someone ‘says’ is not proof. Not without a witness. It’s just your say so which isn’t going to allow the police to prosecute combined with the lack of evidence. If you have evidence - then after you’ve finished the mediation (soon) then if he will not return the images, you could consider going to the police. But not if you don’t have clear evidence. By all means ask them - but it seems unnecessary to mess up the mediation so close to completion. Unless there is a real risk of harm by waiting? As for what he tells your son. You have no control over that. Build a trusting relationship with your child where he can openly share what his dad says without you showing anger or upset (yes - it’s hard - but don’t try to argue or justify yourself to your child. Don’t put him in the middle of a disagreement.) You can simply ask how he feels about what he’s told and answer his questions honestly. Share your memory of what happened - if he asks. Jenni can help you with this. It’s tough. My kids only heard their dads (limited) version of what happened to us until they were in their 20s. When they asked me about it. Until then, it was not appropriate to try and make them think critically of their father’s behaviour - so it was never discussed until they asked about it. Every family is different. But children of any age should not be put in the middle of two parents trying to make them believe different versions of events. It’s just not fair to them. That’s my personal opinion. You need to decide for yourself. When you put your ego in a drawer and focus on your child’s needs - it becomes clear what to do and actually is not as hard as you might think to do. The question to ask yourself is: Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be happy!?
Trust me, he can jeopardise the other person's job.... it's a job type that is affected by this kind of info. And it can be very distressing for those images to go online (it's described in the gov doc i shared you info from) The threats don't have to be in writting as per info i see from gov. But he mentioned in writting to my friend what he found in my files. I don't physically know where the pics are but he took the laptop back to his mum and bought a new one since then. Jenni said if i decide to tell the police and ex goes to jail, it would be ok to explain to our son in age appropriate way as to why this has happened. But just to take time and think about it after my emotions calm down. What do you think?
Re his threats - can he really jeopardise the other person’s job? How could that be? Yes it’s horrible when someone invaded your privacy like that - but how do you know he hasn’t deleted it all? Unless you know where the images are and can be very specific to the police why it would be distressing for those to be shared online - plus you have evidence (written) that he has those images and has threatened to share them - what can the police actually do? Don’t waste your energy on this unless you can take decisive action. It’s just mental bullying. What would Ruth say?! Or Jenni? Re the passport. You have made a reasonable compromise. If he doesn’t like it - then until he does - who has the passport? You - right? So what’s the problem here? Make sure that the record of the mediation agreement INCLUDES what you didn’t agree on, and what compromises/workarounds you suggested and he then refused. If he goes to court a judge will immediately see that he’s being unreasonable. Think of the mediation agreement as part boundary setting/practical agreements and part a document t of how reasonable you have been. I doubt he will ever take you to court - but make sure if he does, that the report clearly shows how reasonable and fair you have been.
Hi Suzy. He did mention it to me and called me horrible names because of that, he showed pictures to his mum (as i heard them talking on the phone about a pic of me) and wrote a letter to my friend mentioning about the info he found. He harrassed me multiple occasions about this and threaten to jeopardise the other person's job. So what do i do? Do i tell police about this? He is refusing to let a 3rd party look after our son's passport (he said this in mediation).... he said he does not trust anyone to look after it and he is adamant he wants to share it 50/50 with me.
Hi Daniela I’m sure we discussed this a while ago. We already know it’s not legal to steal someone’s personal information on their phone/computer. You imply that he is using it as revenge - but has he actually even mentioned it / admitted to it / made any threats in writing? If not - and unless you have proof of where the information would be - it would be difficult for the police to do much. And what would you gain? You are trying to co-parent with this man. Re. Your voicemail - this situation has absolutely nothing to do with your child’s access to his father. The passport can be kept with a trusted third party (a solicitor would work but there would be a fee) - as we discussed. Until trust is earned. I recommend you stay focused on getting some ground rules in place in the mediation. If he messes about re co-parenting in the future, you will be able to demonstrate that he has broken his agreement if you have to use the courts. If you can’t agree on something - find a compromise (like the third party holding onto the passport). Focus on your son’s need for two parents who both love him. Do things that bring you joy, as one happy stable parent is enough to provide some emotional security for your child. Be that parent! I know it’s tough. You are doing so well. But don’t let the mediation be his way to keep interacting with you. He needs to agree on what he can and then use the parenting plan/calendar - not keep dragging you back into mediation. Set a deadline.