Divorce Group Chat

Want to choose your avatar? If you are feeling like not just having a default smiley face avatar, feel free to update your ‘personal info’ and add a photo. You’ll find the link to ‘personal info’ on the top menu under Resource Hub, or the side menu when you are already inside the resource hub. Remember – you can keep your profile ‘anonymous’ with no photo added or a picture of your cat. You can change your name to be just your first name or initials. But this is a safe space – it’s not like a Facebook group – it’s on my website and only subscribers to the Secret Divorce Group can access it.

Calling the court was no use so, with Celia's help, I filled the form D11 and uploaded the email of my husband proving he had received the petition. I want to show him I am serious about the divorce so wanted to keep things moving but indeed, now is the time to talk finance. Thank you for your help.

Hello Vinciane First - call the family court (who are dealing with the petition) and say you have proof your spouse has received the petition (describe how this is in the form of an email from him) - and ask if you can submit that instead of having to pay for deemed service. If the email is clear evidence, then they may accept that. If they are difficult, and insist you prove receipt in another way, that info is in the free petition info in the hub. Why do you want to submit a D11? All you need to do is prove your spouse knows he has been petitioned. The person to help with this is Celia. I introduced you via email on 21 October. She is an ex family law solicitor. But even on your own you can try to persuade the family court to allow your husband’s email as proof of receipt of the petition because that may be all you need to do. Then focus on the financial split and cutting a deal. Don’t let the petition stage become a hassle. You don’t need to fill in complicated forms for that. If you have to get the petition served on your spouse by a bailiff to prove receipt and can’t fine the info let me know and I’ll add it in here. But try to call them first in case his email does the job?

(posting this year to remove it from the top of the chat where it was in the wrong place! ) Best to create a new post (link at the top) but to get an agreement legally binding - this company is recommended to make your agreement into a Consent Order (which you submit at the interim order stage of the divorce before applying for the final order). If you use the code SOS23 you’ll get a 10% discount: <a href="https://www.paidonresults.net/c/29703/1/388/0/divorce-services/consent-order-services/clean-break-consent-order-service/" target="_blank">https://www.paidonresults.net/c/29703/1/388/0/divorce-services/consent-order-services/clean-break-consent-order-service/</a>

Sure, Thank you for all the info Suzy! I will get in touch with them.

Using that link you can go to the menu and they provide a fixed price cohabitation agreement. You can ask them to adapt that to be for your separation / relationship end but it will be a variation on that template. You’ll need independent legal advice to stress-test the final agreement (which that company can provide’ and if it’s not going to last long (ie. You’re splitting everything and no ongoing payments - then that will be fine. If you are relying on ongoing payments then it could be difficult in practice to enforce the agreement. If you review it every couple of years and have independent legal advice to doublecheck that you both understand what it is that you’ve agreed to, then that should stand up, but the cost of going to court to enforce it and the time involved could be prohibitive. But you can always of course do it DIY. It is unlikely to hold the same legal weight in practice as a consent order, which is why it’s easier in some ways to divorce than it is to just create an agreement with a cohabiting partner. But it can be difficult to enforce a consent order as well, if you’ve got someone who is just determine not to comply so ultimately, if this is done amicably and everyone is respectful of the agreement they sign, it’s an important thing to do. But I’m just saying, don’t put too much faith in the legal weight of it, unless you’re going to keep it updated every couple of years so that it remains relevant because people’s circumstances change. The divorce online people can advise but I would go for their cohabitation agreement - then you simply implement it immediately after it’s signed! Strictly speaking, cohabitation agreements are not legally binding in England or Wales in the sense that courts must uphold them, but in a similar way to prenuptial agreements, the courts will consider them as part of any application when they are drafted and executed properly. Therefore, a cohabitation agreement or living together agreement is a legally binding contract provided you obtain legal advice before preparing the agreement and it is signed as a deed. How effective it is in, for example, for agreeing the amount of child maintenance above the statutory level, and how enforceable that is, would be interesting to see. There’s no reason why, whatever you agree, won’t be honoured, but I wouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket and leave yourself exposed, if suddenly the money you rely on dries up. Make sure you have a plan B.

Hi Annie - you need a way to get out of debt. You have assets. But you need to release those without your ex taking so much you end up still in poverty. So you need to make a plan. Start with the debt lady I posted the info to. You should qualify for legal aid but be careful of that - if you release assets they may want you to pay the legal fees back. I have a solicitor you can talk to but no point till you have a plan re. Finances. I recommend that you use dtour.live, which is part of your subscription. Let me know if you want me to send you a link to that as it’s a separate platform. In there, you can put all your financial details and run your own financial forecasts, which demonstrate clearly your financial situation and put a case for your need for all the assets, in particular bearing in mind the lack of child support. So that would show immediately that your husband has no rights to any assets from the properties, because of what he owes. You need to back this up with the figures, and also have a plan of action with the debt lady.

Thank you Suzy. I have no assets except roof over my head. I’m not sure what ‘financial planning’ would involve as there is zero money spare to make plan for - I’m an unpaid carer on minimum uc only, no other source of income, no savings no anything. Every penny in is used to try keep functioning in poverty

Thank you Suzy. I have no assets except roof over my head. I’m not sure what ‘financial planning’ would involve as there is zero money spare to make plan for - I’m an unpaid carer on minimum uc only, no other source of income, no savings no anything. Every penny in is used to try keep functioning in poverty

Thanks for sharing the update Vinciane. A little bird tells me it is your Birthday today? Happy Birthday! May the following years be full of peace, love - and liberation!

For everyone's info, it took 3 working days for the court staff to check my application (which was fine) and email the petition to my husband. So indeed there was no need to worry. I left my husband 2 days ago and he let me go as he was so in shock ...all is well now...let's cross fingers the rest will be fine too...

This is the issue when only having a short meeting and not taking full advantage of the support on offer. I know that via my notes I definitely impressed the need for caution on the timing of the petition. I always do. Please use this group to ask in advance if taking key actions. So for example - if you are not sure when your spouse will receive the notification, ask before you petition. Hopefully it will all work out fine as presumably you went for post not email notification (which I always mention in my sessions and which would have been an option when petitioning) so hopefully after this stage of the process things will be less stressful. It’s a big event - it’s can create a lot of fear - and as before I highly recommend you have an introduction to Sarah C. Langford as already recommended for a no-obligation session. I think she will really help. Let me know if you would like that introduction to Sarah for a complimentary session.

It was never made clear to me that once you file online and pay you are not being given a choice of date for the petition to reach him by post or by mail... What is done is done. I will call the court tomorrow to enquire...at least today is Sunday so nothing seems to have happened...

I am concerned that you have petitioned your husband whilst living in the same house and not mentioned it to him. Is that because you plan to be out of the house when he receives it? Just so you know, you seeing him receive it and open it up - If it’s in letter form, watching him, open it on his email - does not count as him receiving the petition. He needs to respond to it to let the court know that he’s seen it There are ways to ensure that the court has that proof in the information in the resource hub, but sometimes you can get away with sharing an email or written response from your husband, that indicates clearly that he has received it, even if he refuses to respond to the petition and acknowledge its receipt to the court . If you are in any physical danger whatsoever, the receipt of the petition might trigger bad behaviour, then it would be sensible not to be in the house when he receives it. Or to have someone else there with you. Your safety is the primary concern here. if it’s simply that you’re worried he’s going to kick off verbally then I hope you have a bedroom door with a lock on it! Again, it would be good if you had someone else with you as a witness to any bad behaviour. This is not only because it reduces the bad behaviour of a spouse, but if they do become aggressive having that witness to make a formal complaint to the police about, is very useful. Sorry if the above seems a bit overly dramatic, but obviously this is a situation that others may find themselves in who are reading this, who are in genuine danger of abuse. A divorce petition can be triggering for some people. I did advise you before to ensure that he knows it’s coming to make sure that you are safe and supported at that point. I don’t understand why you’ve put yourself in this position? Or is it that the communication about what’s happening doesn’t arrive by registered mail till Tuesday?

Here is the link for tonight's zoom: Join Zoom Meeting <a href="https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85862036242?pwd=bVVOSk1wTnVLeU1kNkhidTl2TFVmQT09" target="_blank">https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85862036242?pwd=bVVOSk1wTnVLeU1kNkhidTl2TFVmQT09</a> Meeting ID: 858 6203 6242 Passcode: 460962 Or you can access the link also via the Meetup Tile in the Secret Divorce Group.

P.S. - where did you create your co-parenting plan? OFW is or the diary / everyday implementation - but a co-parenting plan adapted from the court order is what you would be mediating with your Ex or - if he takes you to court - show to court.

Hi Sukhjit - I didn't see any reference in the message to your ex about his drinking. I thought that was the key issue here? I recommend that you continue to encourage your ex to participate and have his wishes taken into consideration with a revised parenting plan, and once he's gone into OFW and considered what - if anything - he wants to change, to attend a mediation to discuss that. Have you been working with Jenni Rock? She would be a good person to get guidance on. I'm not clear on why you want legal advice at this point?

Hi Suzy, my ex has replied to the email. Ive attached his response as a PDF in dTour.life docs. Please could you review and let me know how i need to proceed? Thanks Sukhi

Hi Sukhjit Apart from adding screenshots of the above 'evidence' of how hard you are trying to include him in the coparenting into your dTour.life docs, also make it clear that you are happy for childrens services to an assessment and that you are concerned for your child's mental health. In practice they are only likely to intervene if instructed by a court - so your ex would have to take you to court first. Which may never happen. But it it does, you are all ready to put a strong case, to get an updated coparenting plan put turned into a legally binding agreement which includes your Ex paying for and using Our Family Wizard. PS - if he is on benefits he can contact them and ask for a reduction - that option is available through the site via the invite link you send him via your own subscription.

Hi Suzy, Thanks for getting back to me. Yes, i didnt want to waste time by sitting on any actions. I wanted to make sure enough notice has been given to him to review my email and take action where he deemed necessary. Hes not read the email yet (i popped a read receipt on like you suggested). I know its been delivered as i put a receipt of for that too. I will give him until 5pm today - if he doest reply to my txt informing him of the email (which had app info) or email back atleast, or use the app then i will drop him a whatsapp (as it will be online status / 2 blue ticks for read receipt) and tell him to check his email and will send a PDF via whatsapp to him. I will re-itterate he needs to use the app and that theres no point in replying to me on txt or whatsapp or email. Children services got back to me. For some reason i cant attach a pdf of the email convo in this chat so ive attached it under documents in dtour.life for yo to reivew....im assuming you can see my docs in there? Reading in between the lines of the childrens services email they arent going to do anything

Yes please do introduce me to Joanne and Jo...and thanks for the perspective on finding a mediator and not rushing into it before working out what I want.. which really is challenging me but hopefully Celia will help this week..

Surinder! So - have I introduced you to Celia yet to focus on what you want / need in this next stage of your life? That clarity is important as Henry needs you to tell him what you want and his job is to help you find a way to make that work financially. What will you live off when you are no longer at working age for example? Where will you be living and what will your overheads be? How much do you need to earn and realistically how long could it be to get employment - if applicable - etc. A realistic assessment of your needs and how to not leave you with the house for example, but not enough money to run it etc. Celia is also an ex-family lawyer - which is handy! If getting the info for Henry is overwhelming I can intro you to a virtual PA to help. Intros to Mediators and legal advice on your final financial proposition - when you are ready for that, let me know. Would you like an intro to Celia for a no-obligation call? I think that would be a good step. Would you like me to set you up an account in dTour.life (it’s part of your subscription) where you can collate all the information in one tidy place and invite in Henry, the mediator etc - it saves a lot of sharing of email attachments and is more secure? If you need a 1-1 zoom session to clarify your strategy/plan here is the link but the above notes and talking to Celia and Henry (get him to do a pre-mediation financial cash-flow forecast to work out the best way to split the finances) - will probably be all you need for now! <a href="https://bestwaytodivorce.com/divorce-strategy/" target="_blank">https://bestwaytodivorce.com/divorce-strategy/</a>

P.S. Entitlement-wise - I need to know who you are first and I assume we’ve had a navigation call already? Confirm your name so I can check my notes and respond but generally it’s 50/50 (includes debts/assets/pensions) but more for whoever has the main responsibility for caring for kids in full time education - but Henry is the best person to help work out what is needed as there can be mitigating factors and essentially you want to be cutting a deal in mediation wherever possible.

Hi. Your profile says S.B. - can you give me your name please so I know who I’m responding to? If you see the pinned post at the top it tells you how to update your profile - or just sign your name at the end of a post? Receiving a divorce petition does not mean you need a lawyer for that. You just respond yes and make sure you confirm that there will be a financial arrangement to be made. It’s the admin part. With the petition accepted by the court that means you can get any financial agreement submitted at the interim order stage (usually takes a few weeks after the petition stage). So it’s a good impetus to move forwards. Full and frank financial disclosure is required and can be demanded if necessary once the petition has been accepted by the family court.

When you have agreed the financial split, because there are some complexities a straightforward clean break may not be appropriate, but if you use this service it includes legal advice and is very competitive price-wise, especially with the 10% discount: Managed consent order – handled by solicitors - £599  <a href="https://www.paidonresults.net/c/29703/1/388/0/divorce-services/consent-order-services/managed-clean-break-consent-order-service/" target="_blank">https://www.paidonresults.net/c/29703/1/388/0/divorce-services/consent-order-services/managed-clean-break-consent-order-service/</a> 10% discount code for you SOS23 By all means get quotes from other sources to compare, but make it clear you are simply wanting the Memorandum of Understanding created by the mediator (a summary of the financial agreement) turned into a Consent Order - nothing more. When you are ready to speak to mediators, let me know and I'll make some introductions. I recommend that you draft the co-parenting plan asap, and have a mediation just about the kids. This will help establish trust with the mediator and make it easier when you begin to talk about the money. If you need help with the co-parenting plan, I can introduce you to Jenni Rock, who is a Parenting Conflict Resolution specialist.

Glad to see you've made it into dTour.life - have fun putting in your financial information, including uploading into 'documents' your divorce petition etc. It will save Una, mediators and potential lawyers loads of time by you having everything in one place, and time is money! Also, I highly recommend that you begin filling in the Co-Parenting Plan template. It will help you to think through aspects that will impact the financial agreement. Also, sign up for the (free if you use the code) subscription to this co-parenting diary, and once you filled in the non-contentious everyday stuff you've already agreed, plus school holiday dates etc - and invite your STBX into the diary and say this is how you will communicate ongoing about the children. Keep a record in there of what you do for the kids, what hours and especially nights when you are 'in charge' etc - so there is a clear picture of your parenting commitments and how that could effect any career changes (if at all). Online Diary: WeParent is a family subscription, meaning one parent will sign up on behalf of both parents (and/or step-parents) <a href="https://weparent.app/" target="_blank">https://weparent.app/</a> PROREFER is the code to use

I'm in! Thanks for getting in touch with dTour.life Suzy. I'll make contact with Una re; my trust query. Thanks again, Lee

Hello Lee. I'm chasing up dTour.life to get that sorted for you. Normally the issue is people don't put the phone number in, in the right format (the UK +44 should be chosen first and then you add in your number) - but I've not come across this issue re. a code via email not working yet. Always a first time for everything! I can find you a trust fund specialist but I would ask Una first, as she is very likely to have trusted professionals who create the legal aspect of a fund in her network. If she can't help, get back to me. Great that you are surging ahead Lee. Well done!

P.S. Re. getting a Solicitor. Once you have both agreed on the financial split, then assuming that's via mediation, there will be a clear summary (a Memorandum of Understanding) which a solicitor can then turn into a Consent Order (this can be done most affordably using this company: <a href="https://www.paidonresults.net/c/29703/1/388/0/divorce-services/consent-order-services/clean-break-consent-order-service/" target="_blank">https://www.paidonresults.net/c/29703/1/388/0/divorce-services/consent-order-services/clean-break-consent-order-service/</a> ) This is for a Clean Break (no ongoing spousal payments). You should be able to get a 10% discount if you use the code SOS23 Ideally use solicitors who are part of the Amicable Divorce Network - or at least trained as mediators/collaborative lawyers - so they won't try to unpick your agreement. It can happen. Amicable Divorce Network UK link is here: <a href="https://bit.ly/ADN-UK" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/ADN-UK</a> When there is quite a lot of money/property at stake, it's best to get independent legal advice each (different lawyers) to 'stress test' your agreement, ask a few questions, so the court knows you both are fully aware of what you have agreed to, and won't be trying to change it at a later date. Then you can submit the final consent order yourself online, or through the company I linked to above as part of their package.

My suggestion is, to be really clear on those objectives. Whether it's a few sessions with a life coach or creating a vision board for the fridge - this is the time to focus on your aspirations. Your real wants - not just 'make do'. If the finances don't allow for the full monty - no worries - work with what you have, but aim for what you really want. Long term. Don't just see the financial settlement as a way to cut ties and get out. What you want long term will not only impact your financial plan, but it may significantly impact what you want to agree on as part of the financial settlement. Re. AirBnB and workshops - neither are solid income. Is there a part-time job you can get easily that will ensure you cover the bills? Then AirBnB and workshops can be holidays - not food and a roof over your head. By having a larger settlement up front - possibly forgoing some pension - will that make the running of the property easier to manage? And then what you lose in the pension is regained if you sell up later on? Don't feel you have to decide one single route. Use the financial planning to test out different ideas.