I’m doing all the parenting admin and my Ex contributes no money – but still wants half my assets!

Do you have the main responsibilities for the practicalities of parenting (buying clothes/making sure uniform is washed/dinner money) post divorce?

So called 50/50 co-parenting still usually means one parent is responsible for the everyday admin. Also – there is one parent who can’t just suddenly get a full time job miles away because they are the one for whom the buck stops here.  And maybe that parent, is you?

IT’S JUST NOT FAIR:

So it can seem really unfair if that same parent is the one who has a pension and some assets like a property or savings – whilst the other parent may not be working or contributing financially at all – but they want a good chunk of what you’ve worked so hard for whilst you’ve been doing most of the child rearing.

This may not be the right time to point out that a sensible post nup might have protected some of those assets (just saying), and unfortunately your ex really can try to grab half of everything you’ve paid and worked for, especially if they are doing 50% of the overnights (which we know is not the same as doing half the parenting admin,  but the courts don’t take that view).

THE GOOD NEWS:

The good news is that if your ex is broke and impatient, they may find using the courts to get hold of your assets a long and expensive process. I say this because if you have been more than reasonable in your mediation, but they still want their 50%, then calling their bluff may be your best course of action.

And when they work out that a bird in the hand is better than a whole flock in the bush, they may come back to the mediation table and cut a deal. Irksome and unfair as it may be, giving them something to get that Consent Order over the line – maybe a % of a future sale of the family home (ensuring that’s based on profit, not leaving you in debt to them if the house sells later for a loss) – might be a sacrifice worth making.

But if they are determined to extract whatever they can, with no appreciation of the fact that they are not even helping support their own child beyond basic expenses for when they are on parenting duty – well don’t be bullied.

The reality of co-parenting is that one person carries the main responsibilities and they may need all their small pension or that house they own because otherwise they won’t have enough to live off when they are older. Why should they have to sell their house and not be left with enough to own their own home whilst being unable to earn enough to raise a deposit because they are too busy bringing up the kids 24/7 – even when those kids are off having a fun time with the other parent?

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO:

Keep a clear record of the costs of being a parent and record the impacts – eg. Not being able to work full time / turning down promotion opportunities or work involving travelling. It’s fine if you are a genuine co-parenting team – but when the non-resident parent wants to get a job hundreds of miles away they can do that. And often will. You can’t. Not if that rips the kids from school and the new job doesn’t cover the cost of an au pair.

Use the financial software in dTour.life – included in your Best Way To Divorce Secret Divorce Group subscription – to demonstrate clearly your ongoing financial needs.

Even if your Ex doesn’t care if you end up living in a one bedroom flat miles from your family and friends because that’s all you can afford, it is possible that a judge may be more reasonable – especially if your Ex is fully capable of working but prefers not to contribute beyond covering their own costs, and not having their own pension. But that financial information must be clearly expressed and using dTour.life you can create a financial forecast of your future needs – and that of your children.

 

If you would like a free call about using dTour.life let me know, and we’ll set up a zoom. 

If you are not already subscribed to the Secret Divorce Group (which includes the dTour-life subscription as all inclusive) – CLICK HERE

 

 

"Co-parenting after divorce often involves an imbalance of responsibilities, with one parent shouldering the majority of the practicalities and everyday admin. It can be deeply unfair when that same parent, who has been managing the child-rearing duties, is also expected to share their hard-earned assets with an ex-partner who may not be contributing financially. While the courts may perceive equal overnights as equal parenting, it's crucial to recognize that the administrative burden doesn't necessarily align. In such situations, calling their bluff and highlighting the potential complexities and expenses involved in pursuing legal action may encourage a more reasonable approach. Ultimately, it's essential to protect your financial future while ensuring the well-being of your children and seeking the necessary support and guidance from experts in co-parenting and conflict resolution." Jenni Rock: Parenting Conflict Resolution Expert

"I help clients on both a practical and emotional level. When emotions are running high it’s extremely difficult to make decisions and yet during the divorce process clients are called upon to make decisions which will impact the rest of their lives and that of their children. As a former specialist family lawyer I can help clients navigate the legal process - anything from assisting a client with preparing a simple budget to completing complex documents. Having the support of someone in this way reduces emotional overwhelm and makes the process significantly less stressful."  Celia Conrad: Divorce Coach

Celia Conrad Divorce Coach

If your finances are complex with larger pensions and property at stake, a full cash-flow forecast with a qualified financial planner (like Chartered Financial Planner Henry Elliston) would be a smart move. Or if your finances are more modest and you feel giddy at the thought of dealing with all those numbers – then ask Divorce Coach Celia Conrad to help you do your own forecast in dTour.life.

You would also benefit from using the Co-Parenting Plan template within dTour.life, and if you want support with that (B.T.W. – I recommend that you don’t share your dTour.life account with a co-parent if there is any likelihood they will delete what you include – only very amicable couples share the same account!) then have a word with Parenting Conflict Resolution expert Jenni Rock.

Other experts you can invite in to dTour.life to collaborate include mediators and collaborative lawyers and arbitrators.

If you are struggling dealing with a coercive or controlling Ex, then Life Liberator Ruth Driscoll can help. Perhaps the divorce has brought up past traumas, in which case Psychotherapist Caron Barruw can help you redefine your future.

"I've worked with many couples in situations similar to this, where reaching a fair outcome may seem hopeless. Helping them to explore the various options available to them. Factored into any financial claims is consideration for the other parents' working age as they'll be expected to secure work so they can increase their income and start their own pension pot. This may have the effect of reducing any claims they have on the parent who is working, caring for the children and has the lion share of the admin tasks. So what starts out as a 50/50 split could become 60/40 or 70/30 in favour of the parent with the main responsibilities." Joanne Phillips LLB, Dip.M : Mediator

"Divorcing a difficult spouse can be an emotionally challenging and complex process. When faced with a partner who is uncooperative, combative or unwilling to reach a fair resolution, the journey becomes even more arduous. Dealing with someone who acts in a hostile and manipulative manner adds significantly to the challenge in an already stressful situation. It requires immense patience, resilience and strategic thinking to navigate the proceedings. Why is this so? Because when you are dealing with a controlling, manipulative character who flouts every attempt to negotiate a fair solution, you must tell yourself, 'Normal Rules Do Not Apply.' That is why it is crucial to stay strategic; not emotional. Focus on the outcome, become immune to their 'triggering' behaviour and prioritise your well-being throughout the journey." Ruth Driscoll : Life Liberator

Ruth-Durbin-deaing with narcissists

If you would like a free call about using dTour.life let me know, and we’ll set up a zoom. 

If you are not already subscribed to the Secret Divorce Group (which includes the dTour-life subscription as all inclusive) – CLICK HERE

suzyMiller

Creator of Best Way To Divorce. International Divorce Divorce Strategist and TEDx Speaker.
Member since:
6th March 2022
Last Login:
15th June 2024

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